clearly, this is the one everyone wants to see. i love you, and i know that no matter what happens that will never change. you have been a huge part of my entire life up to this point, and all the memories will never be forgotten. as of right now, a half of me is missing. i don’t think you quite feel it yet, but someday you truly will. i hope by then it won’t be too late. you have been the best friend i could ever ask for, it’d be a lie to say i don’t miss you. enjoy him while he lasts, and don’t let it change you.
here is a quick essay i wrote for my english class. it just had to be a quick response to “what are you planning on doing after high school” or something. figured i’d share because people seem to like some of my writing.
I’m the type of person who will have a set to-do list for almost everything I have to get done. I need everything to be done in order, on time, and no box can be left without a check in it. In some people’s eyes this could be a good thing; but when it comes to my future it is almost a negative side effect.
Because of the way society is today, I am given so many opportunities and choices of what I could do with my future. Because of my success on YouTube, I could go to college for video editing, music, or cosmetology. But because of my interest in Math I could try to be a teacher or something to do with the subject. With so many options, I find it hard to decide where to put the “check mark.” I want to make the best decision for my future, but I want to love what I do as well.
So far in my college search, I have just researched location, size, and basic information. I wish I could make up my mind about what I want to do, so I could attend a college that best suites that major. But ultimately, I have a gut feeling that I will end up going to college undecided, and figure things out from there.
I like having a set schedule. I like knowing what needs to get done, and what comes next. That is why, for me, the future is so scary. I just want to make the best choice and not regret it later on in life.
Over the summer I got in trouble. For lying, being rude, partying, etc. I was grounded for the last month of my summer. No phone, no computer, no friends, no car… One of the only ways I could get my parents to trust me again was if I agreed to attend counseling. I did. I don’t think I need it. But I went anyways. I don’t think I have problems that are so serious that I require professional help. I don’t think that my “partying” is bad enough to ruin my life. I just didn’t think I needed it, but at the time I didn’t mind the idea of getting to talk openly about my life because during my grounding I had little communication with people who would actually listen to what I have to say. So far, each session has been eye-opening. I’ve been able to confront my feelings, fears, and be happy with myself. Telling someone stuff that you know won’t just get talked about and start a rumor. Its kind of nice. This year has been extremely hard so far. There have been times where someone I trusted with my life treated my unfairly. There have been times where I told the truth, even if it almost cost me my soccer season. I’ve been backstabbed, hurt, and my relationship with my parents was terrible. Counseling has opened my eyes to what my life has to offer and the people who aren’t worth my time. I don’t think I need it, and I think my parents are wasting their money by sending me. But let me tell you this: if there’s anything you need to get out and you feel like no one is willing to listen, just try it out. Yeah, I feel like some people may think I’m messed up. Maybe they think I’m depressed or bipolar or some shit. But all that matters is I know that I’m not. To anyone who is considering it, please try. You may learn a lot about yourself. I regret getting to a point where my parents thought I needed counseling. But if they’re going to spend their money, I might as well make use of the opportunity.
make a list of the things i’ve done wrong. when the list comes even close to the list i’ve made of what you’ve done wrong, get back to me. i know it may take a while, but i’ll be patient.
Losing a friend is probably one of the hardest things to endure in life. It happens for many, many different reasons. I think it all comes down to how much you actually care. For me, the hardest part about losing a friend is having to adjust. Having to realize that they are not in your life anymore. Having to accept that they do not value you enough to have importance in their life. Having to constantly be reminded. The memories will never go away, no matter if you want them to or not. Memories stay fresh in your mind and it’s hard to accept that the person is no longer the same. When losing a friend, the most challenging thing is letting them go. When someone has been such a huge part of your life, your happiness, your family, your memories, your secrets, your trust it’s not exactly simple to just cut them out of your life. I admit that it is hard. There’s not a day where I don’t glance at my walls, filled of pictures of people who have been such huge parts of my life, now complete strangers. And to know that they don’t care, that they glance at the pictures and don’t give a shit. Things will never be the same, no matter how hard you try. And that is the most depressing thing in the entire world, to watch something that was once so important fade away. Trust me though, it will never go away. That person will always be a part of your past.
what i will never understand is how easily you could throw something so important away. how you could look back at the memories and not even for a second miss me. how you could go against the one person who would always be there for you. how can you not see it? you cannot replace something that was so important once. you cannot cover it up and make it go away. it will come back to haunt you. you will be looking for someone to call, someone to do all the things we did. and that person will not exist.
Once you’ve cared about someone, you always will. We tend to think back on people we once cared about and think, “I don’t care.” “I hate them.” “Whatever.” You do care. It’s a defense mechanism of psychology called reaction formation. It reduces anxiety by taking up the opposite feeling, impulse…
it’s so weird how i look so deep into things. but it’s hard not too. lately, i’ve been thinking a lot about the future. what will i look back on and smile about? what will i look back on and regret? it’s changed the way i’ve looked at things. constantly, i look at the bad side of everything. the sadness, the heartbreak, the loss, and the fights not worth fighting anymore. i’ve tried to hard to fix things that are unfixable so that nothing would never change. but maybe they were meant to. maybe. but there’s always that fear of looking back and realizing i wasted so much time letting others ruin my happiness. my outlook is starting to change. i don’t want to remember the things i neglected to discover, but the actions i took to make it all better. yeah, things fucking suck sometimes. or a lot. but i’m sick of it getting to me, sick of starting arguments that won’t resolve anything. lately i’ve been trying to acknowledge the the empty space but realizing that there’s so much more to it all. the things that will actually matter in the long run. the life i have yet to live. i have so much time to make up for the wasted time letting things tear me apart. i’m so done with the negative. i’m so done with going back to what was once a good part of my life. the future is scary. so intimidating. but i’m so fucking ready.
Beauty is looking at yourself and being whole-heartedly content with the person on the inside and outside. To feel as though your body is free from flaws, errors, imperfections. To walk to a crowd and not even contemplate how much better it’d be to be in someone else’s skin. Beauty is pure perfection in all forms- living up to the standards of yourself and of those around you. But of course, this idea does not exist. We may use the word “beauty” on a daily basis, but society has morphed the term into an unattainable feature. We dream of it, work for it, and search for it in others. But as time has gone on, the current definition of beauty cannot be found. We have set our standards much too high to even approach what we define true beauty as, and that is the problem.